You can always tell when a guy has penis envy. Yesterday I was sent to interview the captain of a container ship about my company’s software. It was a bit chilly with a shaved head and no coat, but I had just come back from New York so I didn’t notice. I was more worried that I might have to jump in the water if one of the planes passing above on their way to Haneda actually hit the container cranes. While we waited to board, the sales rep from my company started asking me general questions about my background as Japanese do (e.g. how long have you been in Japan, etc.) He then introduced me to the shipping company rep who set up the interview with the ship’s captain. The sales rep pointed out to him that I spoke fluent Japanese, but he answered in English. I smiled and answered with a a touch of genuine relief and excitement. However, this was the type of person who has something to prove. After exchanging business cards, he at least proved me correct when his next words were, “Actually, I’m a captain.”

That’s great, too. I’m just a guy who’s here to see the captain of the vessel in front of us, not a captain who’s been behind a desk so long that a little bit of cold sea air makes him start dancing around inside his fake leather coat. Since your “a captain,” you must be so in control that you got us the best looking ship captain you could find, even though he doesn’t actually use the service we came to interview him about. Your such a great captain that you hurry us off the ship before the real captain of the boat we’re on has a chance to extend us the courtesy of a cola, thus making him loose face.

In the car on the way back, he started joking around as if he were the life of the car pool. My boss does the same thing whenever he has a captive audience. His ego knows that everyone will laugh out of politeness and respect, and doesn’t stop him for exploiting this position to stroke. I said something in Japanese, and he answered in English. This was when I really realized he had his head up my ass because I wasn’t speaking to him specifically — I was speaking to everyone in the car, not all of whom speak English.

Let me assure my non-existent readership that while it is everything it should be and more, I know there is always someone somewhere who has a longer, fatter, harder, more curved, uncircumcised, pierced and/or better applied package than mine. The difference I know when I’m out-cocked, and fall in line. I don’t shave my pubes, and flex my prostate to tap the title on my business card, thus making myself appear bigger than I am. Hell, I’ll even fall in line if a guy like this behaves like the dick he wish he had, just because there is nothing harder than making an unwanted hard-on go away.



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